Hand Me a Screw
by SpookyChild
Summary: In the appendicies of the third book, it was said that after Aragorn's death, Legolas builds a boat and sails to the Grey Havens. This is that story...Legolas building a boat.
1. Chapter One!

Hand Me a Screw 

A Lord of the Rings Piece-O-Crap by SpookyChild

Author's Notes:

Oh my God, what the _Hell_ is with the movie Chicago?! I swear, it's using Satan to win all those awards. Okay, I'm sorry. Here is my first Lord of the Rings story. Basically, in the appendices of the third book, it states that after Aragorn dies; Legolas builds a boat and sails to the Grey Havens. I decided to write a story about Legolas doing just that: building a boat. The first chapter does not have him building the boat; it's about the funeral. Um, yeah, that's it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings, or anything else in this story. If I did, then I wouldn't have to write this disclaimer, would I? WOULD I?! I didn't think so.

Chapter One: The First Chapter 

"So, Aragorn's dead, huh?"

"That's what I said."

Legolas sighed and crossed his arms. "I guess it was about time. I mean, he was over one hundred years old. He was starting to decay and stuff."

"Yeah, well, I have to go." Elladen stated, turning and walking back to his horse. Legolas called to him.

"So, well, you want to go get some dinner tonight or something?" He asked, winking at him suggestively. Elladen frowned.

"You whore, you used to go out with my brothers! Besides, you have to go to the Grey Havens!" Elladen jumped on top of his horse and looked down at the other Elf.

"Damnit." Legolas murmured, snapping his fingers.

"Anyhoo," Elladen began, "you've been invited to his memorial, which will be beginning in, oh say, five minutes. See you!" He then began to ride away.

"Wait!" Legolas cried, running over to him. "Can't I ride with you?"

"I think not." Elladen answered. He guided his horse away and took off.

"Wait! WAIT! Oh, shit." Legolas sighed. "Why do people always do that to me?"

*** 

Legolas burst through the doorways of Minas Tirith and sauntered down the hallway, entering the room where the funeral service was going on.

"Well, let's bury this dead guy. It's not like we're getting any younger here." He exclaimed, standing next to a group of Elves. He noticed that Haldir was looking at him like he was crazy. "You see," Legolas began to explain, "it's funny, because technically we aren't getting any older, because we're-," 

"Yeah, I know." Haldir replied, looking irritated. "And we're not burying him now! It's just the reception! Can't you show any respect for your best friend?"

"Hey, I didn't show him any respect when we were sleeping with each other, why should I show him respect now? Ooh! Lembas!" Legolas quickly hurried over to the snack table and began shoving food into his mouth. Elrond noticed him from across the room and walked over.

"It's very sad, isn't it, my old friend? You must be filling the emptiness of your heart with food." Elrond stated, placing his hand on the other Elf's shoulder. 

"Less talking, more leaving." Legolas growled, continuing to shove food into his mouth. Elrond shook his head.

"You can't hide it from me. You are deeply troubled. LET YOUR FEELINGS BE FREE!" Elrond exclaimed. He grabbed Legolas and hugged him tightly, pressing the Elf's face against his shoulder.

"Elrond…I…can't breathe…" Legolas gasped, flailing his arms and trying to escape.

"LET YOUR TEARS FLOW! DON'T BOTTLE THEM UP!" Elrond cried, hugging him tighter.

"Elrond…I can't feel my neck…"

"DON'T BE AFRAID! I'M HERE FOR YOU!" 

"AAH! GET AWAY!" Legolas finally wrenched free and ran off.

"Come find me if you ever need a hug!" Elrond called after him. Legolas shuddered. He stopped running and wandered over to where Elladen and Elrohir were standing.

 "Hey, Elladen. Oh," Legolas smiled at Elrohir. "Hey you." Elrohir frowned.

"You whore. Elladen was just telling me how you were hitting on him earlier." He said. Legolas stamped his foot.

"Damnit, why do you guys keep calling me a whore?" He whined, sounding like a fifteen year-old Brittany Spears.

"Valor, you sound like Brittany Spears." Elladen stated. Elrohir elbowed him.

"Shut up, she's not in our time-period." He growled.

"Oh yeah."

"Guys," Legolas whined again. "Why do you keep calling me a whore?!"

"Maybe because you _are_ one." Replied a gruff voice from behind him. Legolas turned around and found that he was groin-to-face with Gimli, who was looking very short and rather hairy today. Legolas immediately screamed.

"WHAT THE... WHAT _IS_ THAT THING?!" He hurriedly ran behind Elladen and hid. Gimli raised his eyebrows.

"Legolas, it is Gimli." Elrohir explained.

"Who?!"

"Gimli, son of Gloín."

"GIMLI SON OF GROIN?!"

"It's **Gloín**, you dumb Elf." Gimli growled, laying his hand on the hilt of his ax. "Maybe I should pound that into your thick skull."

"Like a tattoo?" Legolas asked, seeming to be busy with something. Gimli blinked.

"Well, I guess so…"

"LEGOLAS!" Elladen shrieked, spinning around and glaring at him. "QUITE TRYING TO PULL DOWN MY UNDERGARMENTS!"

"_Valor_, are you high or something?" Elrohir asked exasperatedly. Legolas shrugged.

"Why, do I look it?"

"Everyone," Elrond's voice addressed the entire room, "the service is about to begin. Please, enter the service room in a single file, and if you push and shove, I'LL KILL YOU!" Elrond turned on his heel and walked into the adjacent room. The memorial guests followed him and sat down, with Legolas sitting between Elrohir and Glorfindel. Elrond stood up by the casket.

"Now," He began, "a few of the people who knew Estel best will come up and say a few words. Elladen, Elrohir." Elrond motioned to them to come to the front of the room.

"Estel was a good man." Elladen began, looking somber.

"He was also a strong man." Elrohir seconded, bowing his head.

"He was very good-,"

"-And he was very strong."

"He was good-,"

"-And strong."

"Hey," Glorfindel whispered to Legolas. "How you doin'?" he slurred, smiling at the other Elf. Legolas frowned.

"Glorfindel, are you drunk?" He inquired. Glorfindel snorted.

"Naw, I only have had few drinks!" He stated, sounding very intoxicated. Legolas frowned again.

"-Good, good, good-," 

"-Strong, strong, strong-," The twins went on.

"Babe, I could show you things you've never even dreamed of." Glorfindel slurred, draping his arm over Legolas's shoulders. The other Elf tried to scoot away. Glorfindel continued. "I'll make love to you and set you free."

"You make love to me and I'll set you on fire." Legolas growled.

"-He was good-,"

"-And strong-,"

"ENOUGH!" Elrond screamed, rushing over to the twins and shoving them away. "Now, Haldir, would you come up here and say a few words?" He asked. Haldir rolled his eyes and walked up.

"Well, what can I say about Aragorn?" Haldir began, putting his hands on his hips. "There's nothing I really _can_ say…" Haldir went silent stood there for another moment before walking back to his seat. Elrond put his hand to his forehead. 

"Legolas, where are you?" He called, searching through the crowd. Legolas immediately stood up, causing Glorfindel to tip over due to lack-of balance. Elrond smiled at him. "Legolas, you were Estel's best friend. Would you please come up here and say a few words about him?" Legolas shrugged and walked up to the front of the room.

"Hmm, yeah, about Aragorn…" Legolas scratched his forehead. "What's up with his head?"

"THAT'S IT!" Elrond screamed in rage. "GO BACK TO YOUR SEAT!" He rushed over and kicked Legolas away. Legolas grumbled and walked off. Elrond sighed, brushed himself off and faced everyone.

"Oh," He began, smiling slightly, "I remember when Estel was young. He was as sharp as a tack. I tried the whole 'got-your-nose' trick. Didn't work at all." Elrond boasted proudly. 

"My uncle still has my nose." Legolas grumbled, sinking into his chair and crossing his arms.

"Goodbye, Estel." Elrond sighed sadly, laying his hand on the casket. "We will miss you." Everyone bowed their heads somberly.

"HEY!" Someone yelled, bursting in through the doorway. "CELEBORN BROUGHT A LEMBAS CASSEROLE!"

"OOH! LEMBAS!" All the Elves screamed, rushing out the door. Elrond sighed angrily.

"Damn you, Celeborn!" The Elvin King stamped his foot and followed to find the infamous 'lembas casserole'.  

++++++++++++++++ 

(A/N)

Um, yeah, that's the end. The whole thing about, "What's with his head?" has to do with the fact that Viggo Mortensen's head looks freakishly big. Well, to me anyways. Stay tuned for the next chapter; CHAPTER TWO! (woo!)

THE END


	2. Chapter Two!

Hand Me a Screw 

A Lord of the Rings Piece-O-Crap by SpookyChild

Author's Notes:

Woo boy, I'm back! And I come bearing a new chapter! GO ME! So… yeah! Legolas tries to build the boat, but he…gets set back a little. And Gimli makes an appearance! And for some reason, you all like that! Woo! I have no idea what I'm talking about!

Disclaimer: Yes, I wrote The Lord of the Rings! Oh wait, that was Tolkien. Wait, then what did **I** write?! (Twilight music plays. It sets the scene for a disturbing atmosphere! W00T W00T!) 

Chapter Two: The Second Chapter 

"-So then I says to him, I says, 'Almost? DARN NEAR KILLED HIM!'" Legolas exclaimed loudly. He noticed that the group of Elves around him were staring at him like he was crazy. Legolas frowned. "Well, it was a lot funnier at the kid's bar mitzvah!" He explained angrily. The Elves rolled their eyes and, after giving their condolences to Elrond, left. Elrond turned to his friend.

"Legolas, you really need to work on your people skills. You've scared away almost every guest in the past hour." Elrond stated, shaking his head. Legolas snorted.

"Well, personally I didn't see what they were still hanging around, just because this bastard died." Legolas noticed Elrond's angry glare and he physically blanched. "Oh, I mean, uh... I love you." He finally whispered. Elrond groaned.

"Legolas, stop sending me subliminal messages."

"They're not subliminal if you can hear them..."

"Legolas!"

"Alright, sorry." Legolas grumbled, shuffling his feet. "Well, I think I'll be going." Legolas stopped and smiled at Elrond, bumping his hip against the Elven King's backside. "You wanna give me a ride home, Elrond?" He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. Elrond glared at him.

"I will rip every single appendage from your body, starting with your peni-," 

"Jeez, sorry, I only asked for a ride home." Legolas stated angrily, pulling on his cloak. "And, you know, maybe a little hanky-panky, but is that so bad?" He finished. Elrond turned red with fury.

"GET OUT!"

*** 

Legolas stood at the shore, staring out at the sparkling water that seemed to call out his name.

The Sea.

He sighed, feeling the burning behind his eyes that threatened tears. Legolas stepped into the water, feeling it lap gently against his boots, and this time, he allowed the tears to come freely. He spread his arms slightly as a salty gust of air blew at him, ruffling his hair. Sea air. And it was at this time that Legolas, son of Thranduil, felt his last remaining control break down and-.

"_OOMF_!" Legolas gasped when he felt someone shove him roughly from behind. He tumbled down into the knee-deep water, glaring up at the intruder.

"Stupid Elf." Gimli grunted, sitting down on a nearby rock and lighting his pipe. "I hope you fall in and break your neck."

"I was _trying_ to be _dramatic_, Senór Groin." Legolas replied angrily, standing up and trying to brush the mud off of his leggings. Gimli snickered.

"Was that what you were doing? You just came of as constipated." The Dwarf chuckled as Legolas turned red with anger and embarrassment. The Elf jumped up, pointing a shaky finger at Gimli.

"YOU ARE WALKING ON THIN ICE, DWARF!" He screamed. Gimli simply shook his head.

"It's the middle of July, Elf. Your entire threat is faulty." He explained.

"...I hate you." Legolas turned on his heel, swinging his hair around so good that it reminded Gimli of a shampoo commercial. Not that they had television in Middle Earth... anyway, back to the story.

"What are you doing, stupid Elf?" Gimli asked, noticing Legolas placing fallen sticks from the ground into his arms. Legolas looked around the stack of wood and rolled his eyes at Gimli.

"Duh, what does it _look_ like?" Legolas replied sarcastically, placing a few more pieces of wood onto the heap that was already towering above his head. "I'm building a _freaking_ boat so I can sail to the _freaking_ Gray Havens." He stood up shakily, trying to balance the heavy pile in his arms. Legolas took a few steps before a tree root came up from nowhere, trapping his foot and causing his to fall face first onto the ground, all the wood he had collected scattering across the clearing. Gimli burst into laughter.

"_OW_! _SON_-_Of_-_A_-!" Legolas screamed, rubbing his knees angrily. "You're supposed to be on my side!" He yelled at the tree root. And the tree root just laughed and laughed...

"Jeez, you're like the stoner that doesn't use drugs." Gimli snickered. "You may not smoke any pipe-weed, but damned if you aren't the most confused person I've ever met, in any race." Gimli shook his head. Legolas rolled his eyes.

"I _believe_ that would classify me as being a blonde-," Legolas suddenly blinked at the obvious slam that he had been tricked into saying against himself. "HEY!"

"You should be put out of your misery." Gimli stated, refilling his pipe.

"I'm not miserable."

"Yeah, but we all are."

"Did I mention that I hated you?" Legolas asked, crossing his arms and pouting. Gimli rolled his eyes.

"Only every single time you see me. And quit doing that, you look like you're having a brain tumor removed."

"...That's disgusting, Dwarf. Really, really disgusting." Legolas stood up and began collecting the wood again, stacking it into a large pile. He picked up a large piece and pulled the hammer from his belt. Gimli raised his eyebrow.

"Um, do you know what you're doing?" He asked as Legolas searched his pockets for a nail.

"What's there to know?" The Elf replied, placing a nail in the middle of the wood and shoving the hammer into it. The piece of wood split in half. Legolas stared at it for a minute before shrugging good-naturedly. "Ah well, second time's a charm, eh?"

"I believe that would be third time's a charm." Gimli replied absentmindedly. Legolas frowned.

"...Leave me alone. Forever."

*** 

Legolas now sat in a pile of split wood, all the pieces too small and cracked to be used for anything. Gimli snickered to himself as Legolas looked close to tears.

"I don't understand! What did I do?!" Legolas shrieked in a high-pitched voice. Gimli's eye twitched.

"Listen, Elf," Gimli began, turning to the hysterical Legolas. "Why don't you just go into town and buy some _good_ wood?"

"...Good idea." Legolas sniffed and stood up. 

*** 

"Find a cheap store." Legolas stated, walking next to Gimli in the nearest village. Gimli raised his eyebrow.

"You don't want _cheap_ wood, Elf. You need something sturdy." Legolas snorted.

"Yeah, and what am I going to buy it with? My good looks?" Legolas stopped suddenly. "Dude, do you think that would _work_?!" Gimli rolled his eyes at Legolas and paused near a stand and looked at a price tag for the wood.

"That's a good deal." He stated, turning to the sales-woman. "We'll take a few stacks." He motioned for Legolas to begin loading their wheelbarrow. 

"Ask her if we can get if for free." Legolas whispered to Gimli as he passed him with his arms full of wood. Gimli frowned at him.

"What?! No!" Gimli shoved him away and reached into his pockets to produce the money. Just as he paid the sales-woman, someone tapped him on the arm. Gimli looked down to see a young girl looking at Legolas in amazement.

"Is that the Tooth Fairy?" She asked, staring up at him. Gimli chuckled and looked over to Legolas, who was standing a few feet away with his arms crossed glaring at him. Gimli smirked and patted the little girl's head.

"No, Dear, that's not the Tooth Fairy." He stated kindly. "That fairy doesn't have a job."

"Can we go?!" Legolas asked angrily. Gimli snickered again, bid the sales-woman a good day, and walked back over to Legolas.

++++++++++++++++ 

(A/N)

Yay! What's going to happen? Will the wood be sturdy enough? Will Gimli be able to handle the blondness that is Legolas? Is Legolas the Tooth Fairy? Will they ever start ACTUALLY building the boat? Will I ever write the third chapter? Find out... whenever I write the third chapter! Yay third chapter! WOO!

THE END


End file.
